JOKES PAGE

Every week, I shall be updating this section with some of the finest jokes about the game of football that i can find. And also if you lot out there can think of any other jokes or funny material (photos,etc) that i can put in here, I would be glad to hear from you. Just send your ideas/jokes/photos to me at ASHWIN2006_UK@OUTGUN.COM

THIS WEEKS MATERIAL WILL BE SOME CLASSIC/HILARIOUS ONE-LINERS AND QUOTES THAT HAVE BEEN MADE BY MANY CELEBRETIES AND SPORTING HEROES FROM THE BEAUTIFUL GAME. (AND LET ME GUARANTEE YOU, THEY ARE WORTH LAUGHING ABOUT!!!!!).

THANKS! AND ENJOY!                 

ASHWIN SHAH (WEB DESIGNER)

QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS

CARDIFF ARE A SUBSTANTIALLY BIGGER CLUB THAN LEEDS.  Chairman Sam Hamman pours oil before an Fa Cup Tie.

LOMBARDO SPEAKS MUCH BETTER ENGLISH THAN WHAT PEOPLE REALISE. Ex Palace chairman Mark Golding stating the obvious.

IM SORRY DAVID. I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT. An apology from Fergie!!!!!!!!!

WE LIVED THE DREAM. Ex-Leeds chairman Peter Risdale, who left the club £80m.

THE TERRIBLE THING ABOUT MY JOB IS THAT PLAYERS GET 80% OF MY EARNINGS. Agent Eric Halls inflates his importance.....again.

ITS THOSE BUMS ON THE SPORTS PAGES I HATE MOST. Brian Clough on the press.

WOMEN RUN EVERYTHING. THE ONLY THING I'VE DONE WITHIN MY HOUSE IN THE LAST TWENTY YEARS IS RECOGNISED ANGOLA AS AN INDEPENDENT STATE. Brian Clough admits he finally defers to someone.

WHEN YOU ARE 4-0 UP, YOU SHOULD NEVER LOSE 7-1. Southampton manager Lawrie McMenemy is shell-shocked after a pasting at Watford.

THE ONE THING I DIDN'T EXPECT IS THE WAY WE DIDN'T PLAY. George Graham, as usual.

THE RUN OF THE BALL IS NOT IN OUR COURT AT THE MOMENT. Phil Neal.

I JUST PANICKED. Graham Taylor's explanation for signing Ian Ormondroyd for Aston Villa.

IAN MARSHALL HAS BEEN FANTASTIC FOR US. WHEN HE'S FIT, HE'S SUPERB. IT'S JUST THAT HE'S NEVER FIT. Martin O Neill.

A 21ST CENTURY STADIUM, WITH 14TH CENTURY STEWARDING. An away fan's view of Home Park, Plymouth.

COME ON BURY FANS. YOU'VE GOT YOUR NIGHT IN THE SUN. Adrian Chiles, Radio 5 Live.

THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS FOOTBALL. George Best sums it up.

YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THIS BEFORE, BUT I WILL RESPECT THIS LIVER. AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT MINE. He didn't.

ONCE YOU'VE GOT A BULL TERRIER, YOU NEVER WANT ANOTHER DOG. I'VE GOT SIX BULL TERRIERS, A ROTTWEILER AND A BULLDOG. Julian Dicks.

IVE SEEN GARY LINEKER SHAKE HANDS WITH JURGEN KLINSMANN - IT'S A WONDER KLINSMANN HASN'T FALLEN OVER. Ron Atkinson.

IF THATS JUNIOR BAIANO, I WOULDN'T LIKE TO MEET SENIOR BAIANO. Ron Atkinson.

 MY GOODNESS! YOU HAVE BEEN OUT OF THE PREMIERSHIP A LONG TIME. Ron puts down an Ipswich Steward who asked for identification. (How dare he!!)

HE'S WHAT IS KNOWN IN SOME SCHOOLS AS A F**KING LAZY THCK N****R. Ron's thoughtless and offensive parting shot aimed at Chelsea's Marcel Desailly.

FOOTBALL, ITS AN OLD, FUNNY GAME. Gianluca Vialli nearly gets his order in the right words.

NAH, PELE'S THE BLACK RODNEY MARSH. Marsh responds to being referred to as 'the white pele'.

IT WASN'T A BAD PERFORMANCE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL WHETHER IT WAS GOOD OR BAD. Long Chin Jimmy Hill at it again!

IF ENGLAND ARE GOING TO WIN THIS MATCH,  THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SCORE A GOAL. Nah Jimmy Hill! You don't say!

IF PLAN A FAILS, HE COULD ALWAYS REVERT TO PLAN A. Mark Lawrenson.

TWO SOCCER POINTS TO NO SCORE. A US website reports the nation's 2-0 victory over Mexico at the 2002 World Cup.

BATISTUTA GETS MOST OF HIS GOALS WITH THE BALL. Ian St John.

ZOLA'S GOT TWO FEET. David Pleat wins Big Ron's spotter's badge.....